SINKING TO NEW
DEPTHS WITH NOAH
What could be a greater tragedy then a world so out of control, so sinful that the Lord God Almighty "repented" (Gen 6:6, KJV) of the fact that He created us? What could be a bigger disaster then a flood that destroys all life from the face of the earth (except for the passengers in the ark)? Only one thing comes to mind right now — the disaster of a mini-series called Noah.
Ok, so perhaps I am exaggerating a smidgen, but only a smidgen! Don't get me wrong, in the scheme of things, this movie isn't that big a deal, especially when one takes into account the tidal wave of mediocrity that swamps one only moments into the movie. Of all the people I've talked to, my wife and I are the only ones who watched more than an hour of this four hour flop. I have to admit that the only reason we watched was that professional interest dictated such heroic stamina. I assumed that others would watch it and then want my official opinion, so we endured, with the Lord's strength. Well, thus far, survivors of the four hours are fewer then those who survived the actual flood. I think my professional duty was unnecessarily taxed.
By now, you're probably thinking that I didn't like this very-mini-series. Well, yes, that's true, but let me preface the remainder of my thoughts by stating that I am not a grinch or even a particularly critical movie watcher. So, as the opening credits rolled and the disclaimer of dramatic license blazed across the screen, I didn't panic. Nor did I get my pad out to keep a list of mistakes. I was just looking for a halfway decent telling of this epic account of sin, judgement, and redemption. Hey, I was happy that someone would even deal with a biblical theme and thankful that there was an end of the world story on TV that didn't mention the Y2K bug! Unfortunately, even my modest expectations were left high and dry by this soggy dog of a movie. It's a completely forgettable piece of flotsam that earns the title of "Epic" only in reference to the number of misrepresentations and mistakes it intentionally makes.
If the writers of Noah do have a dramatic license, someone should take it away from them, because this was one hit and run, slash and burn piece of work that deserves a quick burial at sea in an unmarked video case. You see, it's one thing to add characters and plots to a story for dramatic effect, and an entirely different matter to take Scripture, and confuse and abuse it to the point that a lack of respect is obvious. Why, for example, did they need to bring Lot into this story about Noah? There's a world-destroying-flood and a pile of begets between the two men. Further, why did they have to have Noah living in Sodom? Isn't a world-wide flood enough of a hook? Did they really think some brimstone would complete the picture?
What makes matters worse is that Lot really serves no purpose to the movie at all, unless you enjoyed his one-eyed impression of a pirate in the "Waterworld" sequence after the flood. Hey, if it didn't work for Kevin Kostner, why did Hallmark try it again?
All through the show, I watched a bunch of actors, some of whom I have enjoyed and admired for quite some time, awkwardly walk through a script that was neither dramatic nor funny. None of the performances were convincing; none of the characters were the least bit enjoyable. Even the musical score was fish bait! By the time the ark was built and the rain was falling, I was kind of hoping that Noah and the boys would forgot to close the door, but alas, that was the one part of the biblical account they got right!
To me, the worst part of the entire movie was immediately after Noah and Lot escape from Sodom's demise. Noah tells his wife that they really should find a scribe to write the destruction of Sodom down so future generations might know what happened. To which Noah's wife replies something like, "Oh, Noah, you know those scribes get everything wrong and people most likely won't even remember that we lived in Sodom." This comment was so out of character, so contrived and so blatant that Sheila and I just looked at each other and said, "What did she just say?" The comment was nothing less than a slam against the trustworthiness of the Bible. A book, incidentally that is totally unique in it's historical accuracy and reliability.
Hallmark has made some wonderful mini-series in the past, but Noah just doesn't float. I am truly thankful for the total lack of quality in every area of this production, because I'm sure that the number of people who were actually affected by the disaster of confusion and error are very few. Hallmark, take a cue from the Lord Almighty and repent for making this one and then, please burn or flush it, or hey, here's an idea, do both! This disaster warrants it!
