“I died a thousand deaths reliving my Mother's tragic death...”
I was like one dead mourning the dead. For those of you who have lost someone dear to them, I have probably described how you have felt or feel after your loss. Most of you know my dear-heart Mum died almost 18 months ago and so I have written a description of me. When I describe myself 'like one dead' I mean it in a very real sense - there is nothing you could tell me or say to me that would bring a response bearing any resemblance to someone that cares, understands or indeed breathes. I died a thousand deaths reliving my Mother's tragic death and all the circumstances surrounding it until I could no longer see, hear, feel or think about anything else. But the only way I am able to write to you about this is because the Lord has raised me up from the dead.
Several months ago my daughter began to have terrible problems in her life. I am a fairly hands-off type of person with my children because I do know they can work things out for themselves without too much interference from me. However, my dear daughter not only had a very bad time, she began to really depend on me to buoy her up in conversation to help her get through her ordeals. The stress became such for her that she was quite close to a breakdown. I must admit here that while I was concerned for her, I saw my own situation as far more overwhelming and far worse than anything anyone else was experiencing in any area. Nothing equalled the tragedy that had happened to my Mum, or to me.
As most of you know, I have been living in Oxford, England, for the last 3 years, so I really am quite a long way from Vancouver, where my daughter was living. Every phone call between us ended with my darling daughter crying and saying she wished I were there and how she wished we could be together. I would give the 'you'll be fine' pep-talk, hang up and slide back down into my pit of mourning, where I continued to cry for Mum and wish we were together.
I was sitting looking out my window at the garden I used to seek advice from my Mum about on a regular basis but no longer cared whether it grew or died, when it suddenly struck me in a thunderous way that my daughter was mourning for me the way I was mourning for my Mum. I acknowledged the thought but then shoved it out of my mind. A few days later the Lord gave me the one and only dream I have had with my Mum in it.
In the dream, I am crying and begging to contact my Mum. I want her to talk to me. I want to talk to her. I want to hold her and kiss her and tell her how much I love her and miss her and how bereft my world is without her in it. The Lord took me to a place where my Mum was - she looked normal and nice and was ordinarily dressed. The only thing of 'physical' note was that she had a smooth face - no lines, no furrows, no worry/cares reflected in it at all. She was Mum in every way except she didn't know me. In that one moment I came to understand that in the place my Mum was she had a type of memory loss, so that she didn't recognise me. In my dream, I knew that she seemed to sense I cared about her even though she didn't know who I was. She allowed me to lead her out of the room we were in into a large space with other people in it. Then I had to leave. She gave me a kindly look and as the scene faded away, the Lord's great peace swept over me. Everything was okay with my Mum. Everything was okay with me. The Lord raised me up from my bed of death and the first thing I saw was that I needed to answer my daughter's prayer to be with her Mother. To my astonishment, but not my surprise, my dearest, kidney-transplant-recipient husband (how he coped through all of this I will never know!) was in total agreement with the idea of our return to Canada to go and help this darling girl of ours, so this Easter will see our return to the Eastern shores of Canada.
Can God raise the dead? He has given everyone an answer: Jesus/Yeshua is His answer to the world. A dream was His answer to me. I am His answer to my daughter. He continues to resurrect in every way imaginable for nothing is beyond Him and nothing is too big or too small for Him to accomplish - just ask the dead.
Madelaine is a wonderful friend and writer.
Thanks, Maddie, for sharing your heart! — Grant