Tube Meat
Saturday, July 24, 2004 (09:05:59)

Posted by Earl

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I came back from workin' on the pickup and before I got in the house, I could smell something goooood! Enid wuz makin' supper in the kitchen so I sneaked up behind her to give her a hug and a big kiss. When she saw me outta the corner of her eye, she YELLED at me to skeedaddle. It kinda scared me the way she went off like that and I asked her why she didn't let me give her a kiss er nothin'. She said she wuz makin' a surprise dinner and I almost ruined it. I couldn't see how I could ruin dinner by givin' Enid a kiss but I figured she wuz havin' one of her special days. She has those sometimes and me and my dawg Ruger just usually go off somewhere. We stay out of her way if we know what's good for us if you know what I mean.

Anyways, I could smell somethin' cookin' and it smelt real good and I wuz hungry so I started askin' Enid when supper wuz gonna be ready about every minute or so. That usually sends her off, especially if she is havin' one of her special days, but I think it's funny so I do it. Enid yelled at me and told me "Supper will be ready when it's ready," which I thought was silly cuz everybody knows that. Pretty soon, Enid stepped outta the kitchen, took off her apron, smiled and said, "The vittles is ready." I started to say, "Well, La-Tee-Da" but I could see when she took off her apron, she wuz wearin' a Sunday dress and had combed her hair, which made me worry because I forgot what day it wuz. I thought maybe we'd missed church or it wuz someone's birthday or our anniversary. I blurted out, "I'm sorry, I didn't buy you a present!" Enid laughed and said it weren't no special day, but she just wanted to fix a special supper. She handed me a plate with food already on it. I usually has to fix it myself, so I knew somethin' wuz special. We carried our plates to the livin' room where she had already put up the TV trays. Man this is livin'! She even folded one of those fancy napkins we get from the roll under the kitchen cabinet. You know, the ones where you pull on the roll until one tears off. Nothin' but the best for Enid.

We usually have samiches and sometimes eggs if the chickens give us some, but tonight wuz special. Enid had made some p'sghetti with sauce and toast with salt on it.

I wuz snarfin' down my food, tryin' not to make snort noises when it came to me. There wuz meat in my sauce. I slowed down chewin', tryin' to figure out what kind of meat it wuz. It didn't taste like squirrel, and defnitely not fish. I looked out the window fast to see if our cow wuz still there. Yep, she wuz there so the meat couldn't a'been her. Enid noticed my face wuz kinda screwed up because I do that when I am thinkin' hard. She smiled and asked, "Do you like it?" I said, "Uh huh. What kinda meat is this?" She laughed and said it wuz turkey. No way wuz this turkey cuz I've had turkey before and this wuzn't it. I started pickin' the meat outa my sauce to see what it really wuz. It looked like hamburger so I looked out the window again. Yep, there wuz our cow. "Enid, why does my turkey look like hamburger?" She said, "Cuz it's turkey burger, that's why." Now I wuz convinced she wuz havin' one of her special days cuz she had plum lost her marbles. Turkey don't look like hamburger. I figured I'd just eat the "turkey burger" like a good Earl and not make a fuss cuz it don't do no good to argue with Enid when she is havin' one of her special days. B'sides, no matter what it wuz, it tasted kind'a good.

After supper, I thought I'd help Enid clean up so I carried my own plate and glass back to the kitchen for her. She normally does that by herself 'cuz it's woman's work and stuff, but she made a nice supper and I wanted to be nice too. When I got back to the kitchen, I thought I'd snoop around to see where the meat came from but I couldn't find no package and I knew we didn't have none in the freezer. Times is hard and we don't have extra food around the house. We scratch out what we need and only go to the store if we really hafta. Enid came in and caught me rummagin' through the kitchen and grinned. She knew I wuz looking for the eveedence of what meat I had ate with supper. She reached into the trash and pulled out a piece of plastic and said she had bought it at the store the last time she wuz there. It wuz a plastic tube what said "Turkey Burger" on it. That's right, it wuz a tube! Real meat don't come in no tube! Not down where we live anyways. We have rules about meat. We either butcher it ourselves and wrap it in paper or get it wrapped in paper or plastic at the store, but we don't eat nothin' from no tube. Enid said she bought the turkey burger cuz it wuz only a buck-0h-five and regular hamburger wuz two bucks a pound. Two bucks is a lot of money for a pound of hamburger and a buck-0h-five is obviously cheaper, but I felt icky about eating meat what come out of a tube. Hotdogs come in a tube but we don't eat them 'cuz there's all kinds of mystery fixin's in them. I figure they put them in a tube to hide what's in 'em. Maybe that's why the turkey burger came in a tube. You can't tell if there's beaks and feet in it that way.

I has ground up a lot of hamburger in my day and never ever thought about putting a bird in it. I just put meat and some fat in it. I even wash my hands and try to keep the bugs outta it, but even them's protein. Beaks and feet ain't protein. They's beaks and feet and they might'a been in my meat cuz you don't know if it comes in a tube, ENID!

Enid thought I wuz gettin' a lot riled over a little nothin' but she agreed she didn't know what parts of the turkey bird wuz in the tube nor could she tell me what fixin's went in there to make it taste like hamburger! Turkey don't taste like hamburger. It tastes like turkey. They must'a tossed in a bunch of mystery fixin's to get a bird to taste like a cow and that just ain't right. We don't eat hotdogs and they don't taste like nothin' but hotdogs. They toss in the head, hide, hooves and whatever else they got and make a whole new taste and that ain't right neither. Stuff is supposed to taste like it tastes so you know if you should eat it or not. You don't eat nothin' that tastes bad and ya ain't s'posed to doctor somethin' that tastes bad to make it taste good. I think there's a law about that somewhere. Meat that comes in a tube is breakin' the law, ENID!

I fussed about the tube for a while and realized I wuzn't sick or burpin' or nothin' so maybe I wuzn't gonna die. I still worried about what someone would want to hide in my meat.

Sunday, after church, I asked Pastor Fred if he had ever ate turkey burger. He said he had because it wuz only a buck-0h-five and regular burger wuz two bucks. (Now I know where Enid got the idea) I asked Pastor Fred if Jesus would eat a bird that came out of a tube and he got this funny look on his face and said, "I don't rightly know." I let him ponder that bit of heaven for a spell before I said, "I don't think so! I don't think the disciples would buy it even if it wuz only a buck-0h-five!" I don't guess the disciples and Jesus ate fish out of a can neither, but maybe they didn't have cans then. Pastor Fred says John the Baptist ate bugs and honey which is gross but at least there weren't no mystery to what he wuz eatin'. Pastor Fred walked away mumbling to himself. Maybe he wuz gonna look that one up in the book of Atkin's cuz tube meat sure ain't in the Bible, ENID!

I know that it ain't what we eat the defiles us, but what comes out of our mouth. That's why I try not to cuss and stuff. Still, Pastor Fred says our bodies is the temple of the Holy Ghost. I wonder if the Holy Ghost wants us eatin' stuff that comes in a tube or if we should know what we are eatin' before we eat it.

That's sumthin' to think about, ain't it?

I don't think Enid is buyin' tube meat again. We'll just have to eat p'sghetti with plain sauce even though Pastor Fred says them's carbs and they's bad. Jesus said He is the Bread of Life. D'ya think He meant low carb bread? That's somethin' else to think about, ain't it?

the end

- Earl

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